Rae W.G: There’s this one time that I went to the field in Nevada to study bears and had set some bear traps.
It was like the second day I was there, I got a phone call and he was like, “Oh, we got a bear. And it’s actually is some bad news.”
And I drove over and when I got there, I realized it was a little bear cub that had wandered into the trap. And I really mean little because it was emaciated. And it had this very, very swollen jaw because it had a horrible mouth infection.
It looked like some of the cub’s teeth had been removed… like removed by a person.
Somehow, this bear cub had been stolen from the wilderness when it was a newborn, taken by people, and it looked like they had performed an in-house operation on its teeth. Like, they tried to remove the fangs, did a horrible job, botched the job. And it seems like these people panicked and just abandoned it in the wilderness.
And the wildlife veterinarian explained that this poor little cub was too far gone. There was no way to reverse this infection. It had gotten into its bloodstream already and the best move was to euthanize this little bear cub.
Honestly, even though this was years ago, it like almost brings me to tears because it was so sad. And I held this little bear’s paw, you know, as we gave it the medicine to put it to sleep and to stop its little heart.
I realized in that moment that in so many ways I’m shielded from this part of animal death. I don’t have to deal with that very much. And when I do it’s so painful and yet I know that there are people in the conservation community who have to experience this and be a part of it day in and day out.
Narration (Rae): I’m Dr. Rae Wynn-Grant and this is a different kind of nature show: a podcast all about the human drama of saving animals. This season, I want to share my story, but I also want to introduce you to other amazing wildlife scientists out there: some of my friends who study hyenas, work with lizards, and even track sharks. The animals we study are great, but who we are as people and how that affects our work is just as interesting. And we’re going to talk all about it. This is Going Wild.
Narration (Rae): I got into the line of work that I do because I love science but also because I care so much about animals’ lives. But you know, sometimes when we care so much about something, we get really invested, and the thing that we love the most can become very draining.
My friend, Hollis Stewart, knows this firsthand. Hollis has been a wildlife veterinarian for over a decade. And being a wildlife vet is a lot like being a first responder.
Hollis goes out in the field to save sick and dying wild animals, so she’s not just dealing with cats and dogs here. Her work has taken her to all kinds of places, from rescuing cheetahs in Namibia, to conserving panthers in Florida. And to me, Hollis is a real hero.
Hollis S.: It’s very draining and very emotional. There’s a lot of drama, a lot of heartbreak, and also a lot of joy. But the reality of the situation is not for everyone, you know?
Narration (Rae): People think being a vet is all about cuddling cute animals, but I read this statistic about the job that really shocked me: according to the American Medical Veterinary Association, 1 in 6 veterinarians have contemplated suicide, and female veterinarians are up to 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than members of the general population.
In other words, being a vet is a really emotionally intense job that requires a lot from a person, and it can be especially hard for people like Hollis: this deep-feeling person who has a special connection to animals.
Hollis S.: For me, I prefer the company of animals any day. Like that was just, I knew that was my life. You know, that I was just here to help animals.
Narration (Rae): This compassion is what makes her so good at her job, but it also makes being a vet really tough for Hollis.
Her first job was actually being a regular vet; working with dogs, cats, and the usual household pets at an animal shelter in New York City. And with all her veterinary training, she was prepared to save animals, but she wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll.
Hollis S.: Oh, my goodness. I got in there and it was just was so, many, you know, like eye infections, ear infections… It was just so many sick animals, and I was just like, whoa. Because it’s hard seeing one sick animal, but then seeing like fifty, sixty, a hundred in one day… It just, it just wore on my soul.
And I came home and I called my mom and I was just like, “I don’t like sick animals.” And she was like, “I think you picked the wrong profession!”
I was like eeeeh… I do not feel like I picked this… Like as much as I picked it, it was also like, I didn’t have a choice.
Narration (Rae): Her mom understood exactly what she meant. She knew that for Hollis, being a vet was less of a career choice than it was a calling. Hollis had actually wanted to be a vet since she was in preschool.
Hollis S.: We knew, everybody knew… Like, that’s all you ever talk about. It’s all you still talk about are animals, animals, animals, vet, vet, vet.
Narration (Rae): And when you have a calling, you’re definitely more willing to push yourself to the limits in order to serve that calling.
Narration (Rae): After working in the New York shelter to help all of these sick and homeless animals, to Hollis, being a veterinarian started to feel like a double edge sword because it was a gift to be able to save animals, but the longer she did this work, the more it took a toll on her.
Hollis S.: I think my friends were over hearing about, you know, my stresses, because I was bringing a lot of stuff home. And it wasn’t helping anyone: it wasn’t helping me. It wasn’t helping them. It wasn’t helping the animals. It wasn’t helping the client.
Narration (Rae): And on top of the emotional toll of being surrounded by sick animals day in and day out, what made working at the shelter even more intolerable was actually dealing with the humans. Hollis told me about a time when she performed a spay on a dog.
Hollis S.: At the end of a spay, you kind of like, swab with gauze to check and see if there’s any extra blood. And I just, you know, there was some blood there, but I just, I didn’t feel comfortable sending the dog home that day.
Narration (Rae): So Hollis gave the dog’s owner a call to let her know what was happening.
Hollis S.: Hey, you know, the dog’s not coming home today, but if you want to come by and see her, that’s fine. You know, I’m sure she would like to see you.
And she came in and she was just like, why isn’t she going home? You know, like so angry. And I was like, Oh we want to keep her overnight. We have like 24-hour monitoring. And she was just like, you don’t know what you’re doing. Like, this is a simple surgery. Why is she here? Why are there complications?
Yeah, She was very angry and there was a lot of yelling. She said that I didn’t care. And I was like, I was so hurt, right? Because like, that’s like the worst thing anyone can say to me, I don’t care about animals.
Narration (Rae): It was so hurtful, because Hollis cares so much!
You know she was heartbroken from being around so much sickness and death, and she would have to push all of that down so she could continue to function at work day after day. And top of all that, here was a client berating her and telling her that she didn’t care about animals. This was all just too much.
Hollis S.: It’s funny. Because I was talking to my other vet friend and he’s like clients are the best part of my day. And I was like, you know, I went to veterinary school with the goal of working with wildlife. I just knew that I didn’t want to work with clients anymore.
Narration (Rae): So, Hollis decided to leave the animal shelter. She realized that even though she felt like she had no choice but to work with sick animals, at least she could get away from abusive clients. And as she arrived at this crossroad in her life, Hollis remembered this dream she had.
Hollis S.: I had gone to Morocco when I was like 16 and really my only memory, and when I look at my camera roll before film, you know, when it was film camera, was just of all these like donkeys and mules. They’re really going through these like narrow streets and they’re carrying all this weight on them and they were so thin and they looked so sad and miserable.
And I remember like when I was there, I was like one day I want to come back here and help these beasts of burden. Like they do so much for people and I don’t even live here, but like, I want to come back here and help them.
Narration (Rae): And you know what? Hollis is truly the queen of manifestation because a few years after she left New York City, Hollis did find a way to return to Morocco. She began providing care for the working animals in the area as an apprentice at a local non-profit in Fez.
Hollis S.: We would open our doors at 7:00 AM and already there was a line down the block with maybe 30, 40 people, with their animals. And yeah, it was just really nonstop, hard work.
Narration (Rae): But the hardest part of the job for Hollis was witnessing all that suffering. She still didn’t like being around sick animals, especially those she couldn’t save.
Hollis S.: And I remember this, quite an older woman, very short, her head was wrapped in a scarf. And she was kind of like dragging this half-alive sheep you know, that could barely walk. It was so exhausted.
And that the sheep was pregnant and in dystocia.
Narration (Rae): Dystocia is the medical term for a difficult birth.
Hollis S.: They come out back legs first, but this was like, all wrong.
Narration (Rae): So, the baby lamb had gotten stuck as it was coming out of the vaginal canal.
Hollis S.: So, there was like one leg kind of sticking out, but it was already kind of like rotting and I was like, okay, I just need to like, take this lamb out.
So then when I went to pull on that leg, skin started sloughing off because it had been dead in there awhile. So, I sedated the sheep, and then I’m like trying to pull this thing out and it’s like coming out in like pieces. I mean, it was pretty gross. I was like, I can’t believe this is happening.
So then I was like trying to like work my way around to pull parts of this animal out and then I realized there was another one in there, but it was still in the sac.
Narration (Rae): As it turned out, there were two lambs stuck inside the sheep’s belly, so Hollis decided to do a C- Section. She cut through the sheep’s belly to remove the two, and realized they were both dead.
So Hollis focused on trying to save the mother sheep.
Hollis S.: Now she lost both lambs. So then I was like stitching her up, which takes me forever because it’s like, you have to do all these little stitches.
Narration (Rae): Hollis was working as carefully as she could to prevent any infection. And when she was done sewing the sheep back up, she cleaned everything up.
Hollis S.: And I look at the mom sheep, and she’s dead. And it was just, everything was dead.
In hindsight, I should have been watching her as much as I was watching the lambs when I was like, so focused on the lambs, I didn’t realize that like the mom had died in the process of just the shock and the exhaustion and probably septicemia.
Narration (Rae): And then Hollis remembered that she needed to let the owner know what had happened to her animal. She turned to the old lady who brought the sheep in.
Hollis S.:, And I was like, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Narration (Rae): In the back of her mind, Hollis had this memory of the angry lady back at the animal shelter in New York who had accused Hollis of not caring about animals, and all the other times pet owners had lashed out at her when things didn’t go well. Hollis was really expecting the worst.
Hollis S.: And she just kinda like said some things to me in Arabic, which I don’t know what they were and gave me like a really big hug.
You know, this hug wasn’t out of pity for me. It was like, it was a thankful hug. And so it really confused me at the time because I was like, why is she hugging me? You know, like I didn’t do anything.
That wasn’t an attitude that I was used to: I expected her to be sader angrier, you know, and she wasn’t, and it was, it was nice.
Narration (Rae): Hollis didn’t know it then, but that one hug really made a big impact on her.
Narration (Rae): And as Hollis spent more time living in different muslim countries in the Middle East and became more familiar with the culture, she found the word that would explain the old woman’s response:
Hollis S.: I think the reaction was like, Inshallah, you know, like God willing, like, it’s okay.
Narration (Rae): Inshallah is an Arabic expresssion which directly translates to “God willing,” and Hollis learned that, in Muslim culture, it’s more than just a saying… it’s an attitude.
Hollis S.: I didn’t understand in the beginning, you know, it was like, how is this okay? I was so frustrated with myself and this concept that like, it’s all slightly predetermined. Like, I can try, but if something goes wrong, it’s not my fault. And this was like a, such a beautiful gift because I put like so much weight on my shoulders. I make everything my fault and to have this other hand in the picture, you know, like this death has nothing to do with you. It was God’s time to remove the life of this animal or a person.
Narration (Rae): And this idea of Inshallah really allowed Hollis to see that some things, like death, were really out of her control. And being able to accept death as a part of life helped open her up to a new way of moving through the world.
Hollis S.: Yeah, it was just like a different way to live, like with less guilt and like a better appreciation of just like accepting moments. Like when something is alive, you know, like appreciating those moments.
And then when it dies being like, okay, you know, like there’s none of that shoulda coulda, woulda guilt. It’s just like this acceptance.
Narration (Rae): I want to pause here and point out that Hollis is talking about this a decade after the fact. “Inshallah” wasn’t something that she embraced overnight. It wasn’t just one hug and then boom: full acceptance of death and everything life throws at her.
But after years of working in the middle east and experiencing that “Inshallah” way of being, eventually, it became a part of Hollis’s outlook: a way for her to cope with the emotional roller coaster of being a wildlife veterinarian.
When an animal dies, or if a surgery doesn’t go well, it’s easier for Hollis to accept those losses.
Hollis S.: Because this is all just a cycle. Like this is just a guarantee. It’s like, none of us are getting out of here alive.
Narration (Rae): And this newfound peace around death definitely helped Hollis be a better vet. But, she was about to be tested in a different way, this time in her personal life. More on that after the break.
MIDROLL
Narration (Rae): After Morocco, Hollis continued to live and work in different countries in the Middle East and Africa. She loved being in all these places, but it also meant spending a lot of time away from her family back in the US.
And sometimes, being away from family was tough for Hollis, especially when she got the news that her mom was sick.
Hollis S.: I mean, my mother many bouts of cancer and she’d always prevailed. You know, it was always like, breast cancer, fine. Ovarian cancer, fine. And so when she got diagnosed with cancer again, it was sort of this, okay, it’s happening again, but like, we’ll get through this. Like, I never thought it would end in death.
Narration (Rae): But this time around her mom didn’t get better. And when she found out that her mom’s health was getting worse and worse, Hollis took a leave of absence from her job and flew back to the States to be with her mom.
Hollis S.: She was sick, so she couldn’t do a lot of things, but she could still like, kind of get around and walk around and stuff. And I was like, what do you want to do? Like, I’ll take you anywhere. I’ll fly you anywhere. And she was like, actually, I just kind of want to like watch TV. And I thought to myself, there are so many things to do in this world and you want to watch TV?
Narration (Rae): But that was exactly what they did.
Hollis S.: We got in bed. We ordered a bunch of food. and we watched, I think House Hunters Iinternational was on like over and over. It was just like this whole 12-hour marathon. I mean, we ordered food like maybe two or three times and was just fun. And I was like, this is quality time. You know, like, this is what it’s about.
Narration (Rae): In confronting her mother’s illness, Hollis was really able to take this Inshallah way of being to the next level. Realizing that some things are “slightly predetermined” meant being able to accept that loss is inevitable and instead of white-knucling her way through life, bracing for that loss, it would be a little bit easier and even fun, if she could let go and appreciate what she does have in the moment.
Hollis S.: Being in this mindset of not thinking what if, what if, what if, led to some level of acceptance and, and it became more of a celebration of life.
And it’s not of like missing out on the future, you know, it’s just like fulfillment of the days that you had.
And I’m glad she just wanted to like, watch House Hunters International and just like eat whatever we wanted and not worry about crumbs and just enjoy.
Narration (Rae): After her mom passed away, Hollis continued working and living abroad. But when Covid hit in 2020, she wanted to be closer to her family in the US. She was ready to move back.
On a whim, she applied for a vet position with the Florida Panther Project. She sent in her application along with her resume, but she had no expectations.
Hollis S.: It was like that Inshallah attitude, like whatever happens, happens, and it’s really out of my hands at this point whether or not they pick me.
Narration (Rae): And as it turned out, Hollis did get the job!
So in 2021, after almost a decade living, working, and traveling around the middle east, Hollis moved to Naples, Florida.
She started working as a veterinarian for Florida Panther Project, a nonprofit dedicated to the conservation of Florida panthers.
And here’s a fun fact: a panther is actually the same thing as a mountain lion, or a puma, or a cougar… people from different regions called them different things, but in Florida, they’re called panthers.
Hollis S.: So they look like, well, you would think like a lion color, like a lion in Africa color. It’s sort of that same thing.
Narration (Rae): The Florida panther has been on the brink of extinction for decades.
Hollis S.: When I was little, we drove through the Everglades and I remember there was being like a yellow sign with a black silhouette of a panther on it.
Narration (Rae): And the sign said: only 20 left.
Hollis S.: And I remember someone had crossed it out and written like 19.
Narration (Rae): And that’s not an exaggeration. At one point the panther population was at an estimated low of 10 animals. Today there are only about 120 to 130 Florida panthers left in the wild. Definitely better than 10, but they’re still considered an endangered species.
So Hollis’s job as a vet is to assist with different conservation efforts and sometimes that means taking on more of a researcher’s role.
Hollis S.: And so the position involves monitoring the population of these panthers. So it’s radio collaring, which I’d done before, some tracking with telemetry.
Narration (Rae): Other times she’s collaborating with different scientists to investigate diseases that may be threatening the panther population.
And on top of all of that, she’s also going out and rescuing animals, such as injured panthers, who are often victims of vehicle collisions, which is pretty common in this part of Florida.
Hollis told me about this one rescue operation where she and her team were called in after a woman had hit a panther with her car.
Hollis S.: We go out to the scene with tranquilizer guns and a fair amount of people and a cage and everything.
Narration (Rae): When they arrived, there was a law officer already on the scene. He directed Hollis and her team to where the panther was.
Hollis S.: He saw him kind of like, limping into this pocket of trees, and so then we all kinda like went in to find him.
Narration (Rae): They finally spotted him behind some bushes.
Hollis S.: We saw him and we darted him.
Narration (Rae): But the dart landed at a bad angle, so the panther wasn’t fully tranquilized
Hollis S.: You know, he ran off and we’re all kind of like walking and looking for him. And I’m just like in this terrain, I won’t see anything. And then there he was like three feet in front of me. It’s a massive, massive male.
He was still a little awake, so we like pull on the tail and we pull the feet and he’s like groggy, but I was like, okay, we can still get him on a stretcher. We had a stretcher there.
Narration (Rae): They were able to carry him back to the car, all 150lb of him.
Hollis S.: We rushed him to just a local emergency clinic and then we take some x-rays. The only fracture we really found was just in his front leg, which was amazing.
Narration (Rae):Hollis and her team were optimistic. A broken bone is fixable. Plus, this was a male panther who seemed like he could survive a lot.
Hollis S.: If a male Panther makes it past three, it’s amazing because they usually fight with other males and we had aged him about nine or 10. I called him Hulk because he was big and he was like muscly and he was so handsome and I was like, what a fighter? You know, like this guy has been through anything like how tragic to have like a car, take him out, you know? So like the whole plan was just to fix his leg and release him.
Narration (Rae): Hulk was scheduled for surgery the next morning at a hospital five hours away. And Hollis decided she would be the one to take him to the hospital.
Hollis S.: Yeah, I felt like was my friend, you know, um, especially as my, one of my first ones alive, because I saw so many that were hit by car that didn’t make it.
So I quickly got some sleep and then woke up at 3:00 AM.
I drove him up in the car and I had the little like rearview mirror on so I could see him in the back. And then I played music like slightly to see, you know, if he responded. And I would just talk to him in the cage, you know, when he was in his crate, like going to the hospital, like you’re going to be okay, we’re going to fix you. Like, everything’s going to be good.
Narration (Rae): Hollis got him to the hospital and the surgery went smoothly. Afterwards, they put Hulk in a rehabilitation facility to monitor his recovery before releasing him to the wild.
Hollis S.: He was in there for a couple of days, just groggy. And then he started feeling better and started of moving around. And then he just started like self-mutilating starting with his tail, like at the base of the tail where the tail meets his body.
Narration (Rae): Hollis and her team weren’t sure exactly why, but for some reason Hulk started harming himself.
Hollis S.: I think it was like the next morning they, came in. The base of the tail where the tail meets his body… it was just completely chewed where these nerves are hanging off. Like, I mean, just disgusting, you know?
Narration (Rae): They were very concerned because tails are so important to a cat for balancing and moving around in the wild.
Hollis S.: They went and sedated him and treated the tail and kind of wrapped the tail. And then the next day that bandage was off and he chewed it more. And then the next day after that he started biting his sides. And if you could imagine, like the size of these teeth, he just did such damage to like all of his muscle, like around his rib cage. And it was just over and over. And every time he was sedated to be treated, which was almost every day, he would do even more damage.
I don’t know what it was, but he just, just kept self-mutilating and it was hard for the nurses, it was hard for the doctors. We were all just, um, really saddened by it because we wanted him to be like out in the wild.
He was just going downhill, going downhill.
Hollis S.: So we all got together and elected to euthanize him.
Narration (Rae): It was a difficult decision for everyone, especially for Hollis, who had spent the most time with Hulk – rescuing him in the field, being alone in the car with him… you know she had this bond with him.
Hollis S.: There was a lot of crying. There was a lot of crying, but it was such a relief to know that he wasn’t suffering anymore.
Narration (Rae): Once again, Hollis leaned into that Inshallah attitude and she was able to accept this big loss. Not just in terms of conservation – losing one panther when there are less than 150 of them in the wild is a huge loss – but for Hollis it was also like losing a friend. And even though she was heartbroken about it, she was also able to see the good things too.
Hollis S.: You know, I printed out his picture and it’s in my office beause I think about him like a lot. But in a way it was also like still a happy ending to know that he had made it as long as he had.
He lived a really good, long life for a male Panther, you know, like nine years out there was good. Could he have had 11? Maybe.
At the end of the day it was the car that hit him, that, that brought him to the state of this fate, you know, and that’s, that’s just the way it was.
Narration (Rae): I’m in awe listening to Hollis’s transformation. I mean she’s come a long way from her early days at the animal shelter, you know coming home depleted every day because she didn’t like being around the sick animals.
And now here she is over a decade later, still working to save animals, but with a different outlook.
Hollis S.: It doesn’t mean that I feel it any less, but I think I’m easier on myself about it. I think before I would get so angry at myself it would just like, be this like really big weight on me, but this is it right? Like I’m human and I’m here.
Narration (Rae): And in a way the animals helped her too, because at first Hollis was drawn to Inshallah as a way to cope with their death and suffering. But since then, this new way of looking at death has actually taught Hollis how to live by accepting and appreciate everything as it, including herself.
Hollis S.: I just have to do the best I can while I’m here and keep trying to help these animals.
And ultimately this compassion and acceptance – of herself and of the things she can not control – is the only way Hollis is going to be able to continue to do the thing she is called to do – helping animals.
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Episode guest: Dr. Hollis Stewart
Dr. Rae Wynn-Grant – Host and Writer
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